Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
