Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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