In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize