Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
