i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
