Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
