I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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