Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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