Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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