My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
