I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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