I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
