i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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