how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
