I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
