If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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