I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
