Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
