I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
someone owes me an orgasm
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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