I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
