Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
