My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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