i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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