Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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