it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My life is pants optional.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
