his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Well I just put wine in my tea
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
