my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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