You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
