Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize