my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
