She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
