with your own penis?
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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