cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
