....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
