Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
