So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
