Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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