my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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