I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
