you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
