I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
