Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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