If i come over, it means nothing
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
