You just made me feel so damn special
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
