Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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