Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize