When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
