Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
