i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
