she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
