Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
