The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize