i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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