I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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