Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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