the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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