I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
