the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
