Jerry, you need to find god
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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