got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
