Kiss
Puke
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
