i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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