I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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