i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
