Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize